Niall’s virtual diary archives – April 2006

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25th April 2006

Johanna Problems I and My most wonderful academic daughter I

Tuesday 25th April 2006: 3.19pm. I just got up from having a nap after lunch today. I'm still quite hung over, but I have a tutorial at 4pm which if I miss I get kicked out of uni so I'll need to leave soon. However, I really did have a lot of fun last night, more than I have had in ages. I went for my usual coffee date with my academic daughter at 4pm yesterday, and she said let's get trashed so we did. Which is the first time we've ever done that, because when you get that trashed together you get into some seriously deep conversation as they let down their defences, and she'd always backed out before. It's interesting that I can do that with most of my coffee dates, but some of them I couldn't - quite a few still need to maintain those walls of lies we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. Letting those down changes things in ways some fear. And I guess she finally was ready to do that, and I find that very impressive.

Which brings me onto Johanna. We're not doing so well recently. I knew it was coming, and it's not acrimonious or anything, there's still a lot of love there. But relationships, if they are to last, need to be continually reborn and grow. And ours is beginning to fail to do that. I don't know if it's her or me, or a mixture of some sort, but some limit in the current cycle has been reached and we may not start another one. This makes me very sad, but also pleased because her and I have gained much and nothing can ever take that away. If we are meant to be together, it'll find a way to happen and indeed we may need to split up in order to be together. Life is funny that way sometimes.

Obviously, it could be simple stress levels. Everyone here is very, very stressed. I have done a lot of consoling of others these last few weeks as the pressure tugs and squashes people, and cracks begin to show. While no one has yet cracked up completely, some have had some nights where it becomes pretty close. On the other hand, the stress is causing people to grow at an amazing rate. It is at this time of year that first years become second years, and second years third years. Literally, the period after Easter break has an astonishing effect on maturity and self-understanding. Of course, such a rapid pace of change causes further stress of its own, but it's also a very exciting time. I find it astonishing to watch the process of growth and life in action, and most fulfilling. I saw this this time last year as well, but with Johanna having fits at that point I guess I didn't quite see it as I do now. I think it helps keep me young to be surrounded by so many young people, and I will miss not being here next year when I probably won't be able to witness it so easily.

The Future Society is in the process of being constituted - it's taking a while, but I am very busy until next Thursday when there is my final class test. I got v0.86 of TnFOX out and have managed to install Apple MacOS X on my laptop which means at long, long last I can finally port TnFOX and Tn to MacOS X. That was the final requirement to make a v1.00 release and this makes me very glad.

So all in all things are very good. Surprisingly so. Obviously I feel much more connected to the world today than most days, and there still will be difficult days to come in the next few weeks. But all the crap the university makes you do is more than made up for being alive here and now. This is good. Anyway, I have a tutorial to go to, so be happy and see you again soon!

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