Sunday 29th July 2007: 11.30am. A lot of students spending their summers in St. Andrews are finding it boring here - a lack of people means a lack of things to do, and they find themselves yearning for the excitement of term time. I can't say I have found that myself, nor has Johanna for that matter. People like us seem to create drama out of nothing. It certainly has not been boring!
Now the last three weeks have seemed like about five to me. In fact, when I started this diary entry and was figuring out the dates, I was genuinely surprised to realise that only three weeks have elapsed since the last entry. But there's a good reason for that, and it's because I asked M- out (as in, to become boyfriend & girlfriend) on the Sunday following the last entry.
To this she did not react well. She proceeded to completely ignore me until I sent her a nasty text the following Friday, then she ignored me some more till I sent a text asking "What are you doing? Are you really sure you want to be doing this?" the following Tuesday. On that Tuesday when she met up with me for an hour, I gave her the following poem (which is more of a song):
It's hardly all my own work - I have near zero lyrical ability, Johanna did most of it - nevertheless, the words are mine. And I probably shouldn't put that online as many will think highly ill of me as a result - it will seem like I am bullying her - but then I am rather proud of it, and I got her permission to do so beforehand. At the end of May, M- plus compadres very nearly destroyed me, and I have worked my ass off to forgive them for it - so for me, to have moved in less than two months from that state to one where I could ask her out, I think a very great achievement indeed. I know that will sound like I am bragging and "proving" myself in public, but well arse to it - this diary has never been about about me coming off well or looking good, it's about what I am currently thinking & feeling, warts & all.
The following Thursday she got real emotional and had a panic attack down the phone at me because she hadn't been able to think of anything else other than that I had asked her out since I had asked her out - hence her avoiding me like the plague. Last Monday, she finally consented to a date - so I laid on the full spread with flowers, a roast duck meal prepared entirely by my own hand, and copious amounts of alcohol.
This did actually go very well. But I got nothing out of it, not even a kiss - which isn't important in itself, but rather as an underlying signifier of intent & emotion. And during this past week I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was being messed around and being taken advantage of, which I told her last night, after which she promptly appeared quite by surprise at my door.
Thereupon she admitted that she was not ready - she really wanted to be ready, so much so she was trying to delude herself that she was, but in reality she wasn't. And hence the answer is no, which is why I can finally write a diary entry about it.
Now I'm sure I'm going to get emails etc. pointing out that women can't be rushed, that just because I can bounce from having been nearly destroyed to forgiveness in such a short period doesn't mean that the destroyer can so easily do the same. Some may even suggest that precisely because of this transition that I wanted to date her to facilitate my own forgiveness of her, and that therefore my motivations were impure. And of course, I am sure the majority will take the view that this is some form of unhealthy obsession, that I best be rid of her from my life, and well to that I can tell you that it's back to the old plan of permanently saying goodbye early next September.
Nevertheless, I have been in love with the girl for some time, and I'm pretty sure the same is in return, and despite all the drama, hurt & heartache, we do bring a great deal of joy to one another. Rather like me and Ruth, though M- is very considerably more reasonable than Ruth (M- actually listens to me!). But I do agree with those who have strongly advised against a repeat of me & Ruth with M- that unless M- really, really, truly & genuinely wants a relationship with me, and furthermore is willing to do everything necessary to create one, then it is doomed to repeat the Ruth episode. I may not seem like I learn from my past mistakes sometimes, but I'm not stupid - any woman I've ever gone out with has to really, really badly, want to date me if it's going to work at all. After all, look at the shit I put Johanna through (eg; last entry) - I'm a very difficult person, very demanding, and unless the woman really wants it, I am intolerable.
Which raises the question of why don't I make myself considerably less demanding and intolerable? After all, who am I to feel sorry for myself when I am like this? Do I not deserve total loneliness with such a problematic attitude problem?
My attitude problem most definitely stems from insecurity. I demand bravery in the face of adversity from my friends - as anyone who has spent any time around me can testify, I am rather intense and overwhelming and that's just to my friends. To girlfriends, the problem is magnified tenfold. I keep taking the view that they have to be able to handle such intensity if they're going to go out with me, so I keep being even more intense at the beginning as so to dissuade them from getting involved with me if they can't handle it (hence giving M- that poem above, or bringing her flowers at her workplace - that's heavy & intense). Normal people would just chill out and let things evolve gradually on their own, so it's definitely my own insecurities of letting someone become close and trusting them.
I fear being let down. That fear has led me to being let down by almost everyone I am close to in St. Andrews this past year - if you expect it, you will receive it. I'm going to have to do something about that - friends & girlfriends aren't soldiers or a combat unit where you have each other's back or you're all dead. Such an extreme view of love & relationships eliminates almost all of reality.
But I will have plenty of spare time next academic year - I only have two friends I'll be able to see left here, so I'll see what I can do about myself. Be happy everyone!
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