by Niall Douglas. Last updated . This page has been accessed 6,438 times since the 15th October 2000.
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Wednesday 17th May 2000: STOP PRESS!
HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY TO NIALL'S VIRTUAL DIARY!
I feel like such an idiot, forgetting this diary's second whole birthday (it was on last saturday). I said it this time last year, but I'll say it again - I never thought it would last this long. I thought I'd give up sometime when I became not bothered. But hey presto, here we are still going ...
This time last year I was just discovering the joys of hardcore class A drug abuse, it's amazing to think a whole year has passed since then. Wow, one whole year of getting fucked. It's been good, had a lot of fun, met lots of cool people and I'm definately the most mentally stable I've been in years. Wow!
But this birthday of the diary finds me in a state much more like that of the very first entry, all the way back in 1998. I feel lonely. I miss Ruth. And I feel sad. Luckily, in 1998 I was confused and had yet to discover the healing power of the herb, but now two years on it saddens me that in two years I have not practically progressed much on the women front. There's a whole world of improvement in my conceptual understanding of these things, and I'm sure it will stand to me in the future. But I still ain't getting any sex, and that's the simple truth of it!
Anyway, it's no matter for now, at least I am comfortable (when not watching Buffy episodes!). I can wait. And there's not long now, only a matter of weeks ...
Bye for now, be happy cos we're two years old!
Earlier today ... 6.33pm. I'm in a strange state, I feel raw. I've been this way all day since about 5am this morning when I watched an episode of Angel which had Buffy in it. He got converted back from being a vampire to a human so he and Buffy got it on, but then he learnt that she was going to die soon and because he couldn't help to save her as a human, he decided that rather than stay human and with Buffy, he had time reversed so that he never became human but also thus never got it together with Buffy. Even worse, he got to remember everything whilst of course Buffy never knew.
It touched a nerve y'see, that's what. It felt like Ruth had just left me all over again, except maybe less intense. I felt raw, I could feel my insides and all this pain which was like superimposed over no actual pain responses from my nerves. Emotional pain I suppose.
I had been doing okay up until now. I went to J-Day with the express intention of breaking my class A drugs fast thinking mostly of just having a good time, but also with a hope that it would clear all the emotional crap lodged in my brain which had been keeping me down since Ruth had left only two weeks prior. And it did just the trick, I spent days lying in the sun over the weekend in a very happy place indeed. Things were almost like the heady days of this time last year except of course that now I'm drug-free. God, good acid really is fantastic. I tripped my nuts off in London during the march (I thought I was a giant green spliff-smoking hedgehog) but it was all in a very good place. I had lots of fun, and when we got to the march I truly felt alive. Good acid is wonderful.
Anyway, it suceeded in bringing me out of my slump and with the recent large amounts of coursework, life has been pretty normal in recent weeks. But that show really got to me, so much so I've had difficulties thinking of anything else today. I also keep losing track of conversations, my mind wanders. I just watched it again now before writing this (to get myself in the mood as it were), it didn't affect me so much this time. Already been exposed I guess and used to it now.
I think one of the hardest things anyone can ever do is willingly sacrifice their happiness for the benefit of someone else. Jesus of course said lots about self-sacrifice, and so indeed have the Romans, Greeks and practically everyone else. You get soldiers who sacrifice all to win for their country. And of course parents who rush into burning buildings to save their offspring or indeed even give up their own pleasures favouring those of their children. But what Jesus went on about loads was the stranger sacrificing his life for that of another complete stranger. That must be very hard.
Now in all of this there is little old me. I suppose in many ways I am a very selfish person, there is little which I do which does not at least indirectly benefit me in some way (eg; lend some money to a mate - but this builds the friendship thus indirectly benefiting me). Probably the best example is giving money to the homeless Big Issue guy, this in many ways is not for him but for me - doing this make me feel better because I feel I have done good. While I am glad to help someone in need, it has to be said there are selfish motives working there. It is not a completely selfless exercise.
Now enter my relationship with Ruth. In certain frames of light much of how she has treated me is lamentable (as some friends have reminded me), but I believe that she wouldn't do anything to deliberately harm me and hence I don't read bad things into the things she does to me. Her recent decision I understand logically, it makes sense. But what of how I have reacted? What of how I have been for these last few weeks? What do I make of all this, where do I go from here?
There are a lot of analogies between above Buffy and Angel story and mine. You could argue that Angel was acting selfishly in that if he stayed with her, she would die and he wouldn't like that whereas if he reversed everything, he at least stood a chance of being with her again sometime in the future. But then maybe he wouldn't be able to in the future because she became otherwise occupied or they grew apart.
Ruth is going through a bad patch right now, I know this almost instinctively. I have to stay away from her while she gets her life sorted and maybe in the future we may be together again. But then again maybe we won't. I could choose to drop everything and go to Spain right now, but every rational bone in my body argues against that one. So what do I do, what do I do?
Obviously, I know the answer already and have known it for quite some time. But I think it's good to wake up startled every now and then and say to oneself "have I done the right thing?" and spent a few hours reevaluating everything and hence reliving the pain of submerged memories. Today has been just such a day, and I find myself realising once again that I have done the right thing. And it hurts.
Okay, I'm off to do some coursework. No idea when the next update will be, I think I'm moving to a non-regular entry format from now on, it seems the most natural for me right now. Until the next time, be happy!
Tuesday 23rd May 2000: 8.12pm. This is my first entry using FrontPage 2000, and as you might have noticed this page is looking a little different if you use a suitably new browser (one which supports CSS style sheets). Typically, if you have Netscape v4 it screws up severely, AND IT ISN'T MY FAULT! Try using the beta Netscape v6 and you'll notice it looks a lot more like Internet Explorer's rendition.
Needless to say though, I have also tested the new design on lesser web browsers such as QVT/Web v4.2 from QPC Software - this is a very lightweight web browser with basic HTML support (plus tables) - effectively think of it as a HTML 2.0 browser with no frills. Anyway, it looks lovely in that and it still works in Lynx too.
So what's changed? Well, now this page is much closer to the HTML 4.0 Transitional standard and its validator reports these pages mostly correct. Also, we now use styles, hence the 25% leading between lines and the Helvetica font in the left navigation bar. We also have implemented the COLGROUP extensions to tables to enable rendition on load, so for those browsers capable it should remove that annoying wait you get with all the pages here (no frigging reason why they can't already to be honest - the Acorn browser does!).
There's a few other little changes and updates, but they don't matter much other than to help new pages made from this one as a template in the future. Cool, well exams are here, so I'll be busy, but hope to see you all soon - until then be happy!
Sunday 28th May 2000: 3.01am. I'm just back from London, went to a party last night being thrown by none other than Amber Marks, one of the daughters of Howard Marks. I hadn't met her before, nor was I invited in fact, so effectively I gate-crashed it (bad Niall!). I was absolutely shattered, not just physically but also mentally from the busy week preceding it and so I had real difficulties approaching strange people, which is a major problem at a gathering where I knew no one. Hence I ended up getting very stoned, talked a bit to people who sat nearby (including Judy Marks, wife of aforementioned Howard Marks) and ultimately passed out. It didn't help that I was smoking the strongest Hull has to offer, the evil hydro White Widow which fucking costs one hundred and forty pounds an ounce! - I also smoked quite a lot of the excellent Afghani commercial hashish (soft, smelly and oily) in pure joints because my friend from Leeds uni was there and he won't smoke tobacco
All this said though, I still had a good time (I spent a lot of time listening and watching) and it was definitely a beneficial experience - all the more shame I was not more on form. Thankfully however, I currently stand on the crescent of the first substantial break I've had since Easter - there is about a week and a half until my next exam, hence I can rest easy for a few days. Good, I need it!
Anyway, I'm off to download things to watch (ahh, thank god for the internet!). Hope to see you all again soon (p.s.: cheers gerph for reporting the bad link), and until next time be happy!