Niall's virtual diary archives - January 2008

Friday 25th January 2008: 9pm. My last exam was last Monday and since then it's been mainly catching up on various chores and pottering around doing random stuff as part of recuperating from last semester. A good week of my Christmas break was spent doing essays, so really I only had one week off and that week was spent meeting up with various people eg; Kev's memorial football match. It's been good last few days, been sitting up till 6am watching a lot of Doctor Who (the new series) in particular. Certainly, this past exam session was one of the worst I've had - had the most difficulty maintaining concentration of any revision period yet by far with my mind constantly thinking of anything other than what it should have been studying. However, the grades should be 2.1 or higher, and tomorrow I head back to Hull for the first time in two years as the beginning of a week long holiday (my first in eighteen months!).

This is the traditional birthday entry - yes, I am some thirty years old now. And ten days ago for the second birthday in a row I did not feel much depression - last year, S- took me out which was wonderful. This year it was very much lower key, in fact most people didn't even realise it was my birthday and I had some ringing up or texting many days after when they remembered.

But despite that it was just Megan and myself, I had to admit that the usual birthday blues were not manifesting themselves. Megan did note this on the day and asked why. I replied "Because I think this is the first birthday in many years that I can truly say I achieved a very great deal in the preceding year". And on that, I still think that's true - I can really place hand on heart and say, without hesitation, that I definitely achieved a lot this past year:

1. Everyone, and everything, which surrounds me & gives forth to me grew substantially during 2007
   Johanna and I have overcome a great deal of trickiness during the past year - no couple I have ever known has healthily continued to live together after they broke up, even more so when one gets a new partner. Not just that, but mine & Johanna's relationship is far deeper and better than it has ever been - it has grown into something better than it ever was when we were dating. I know that Johanna has had troubles seeing it quite this way, she finds it all very frustrating & confusing. But I am incredibly proud of her, she's being more mature than I would be if the roles were reversed for sure.
   
   Megan has decided to stop her errant & destructive ways and is better than I have ever known her, and her family and friends from before St. Andrews seem to think I am some sort of wonder worker when the crazy part is that I was the lynch pin of much of her deep unhappiness these past two years. I think that's she been like she was in part for many more years preceding.
   
   V- recently made a full apology, so she's no longer cut off. I made a full apology to my academic daughter given my recent discovery that I can't trust my memory, so that's mostly fixed. N- and I have had a most eventful semester, had a few tricky spots in there too but thankfully Megan knows & understands only too well. I- has had a horrendous semester, not that she's doing much positive about it, and S- is now dating a good friend of mine and I approve. So, in no uncertain terms, everyone I care about who hasn't been kicked out of the university yet has grown greatly as a person.
2. I have grown substantially during 2007
   What can I say? I understand better now than I have ever done, and a quantum leap more so than when I was typing here this time last year. I am ready to write my book applying Tn to the world. In fact, I begin in about two weeks - I have generated a shit load of notes this past semester. I have come to realise that my memory accuracy problems are tied strongly to changes which have occurred within me - I am no longer seeing time nor change quite like I used to, and that has caused memory accuracy problems during the transition. Funny really.
3. Succeeded in shrinking successfully
   All our lives go through cycles of growth and shrinkage. As I mentioned in last year's entry, most people have difficulty in shrinking successfully - they tend to feel themselves losing what they have and try to cling on to too much to possibly keep. It ain't easy, but I think I've done it, and I've successfully brought the maximum possible with me into this new phase of growth.

The only sadness I have is that many I care about have been left behind along the way. Not a lot I can do about that, the connection has become broken and as Megan has been finding recently in trying to make it up to those she has been unkind to in the past, once the connection is gone there isn't a huge amount that one can do - that window of opportunity has closed in order to make space for new windows of opportunity to generate change. And I, and those around me, we have suffered greatly this past year - but I think we can all agree that we have all become better for it. And it's not often one can be so upbeat about great change, so I think all is pretty damn good!

Well, I suppose time for the next thing on the todo list - washing up, packing and putting away clothes are all still to come! Be happy everyone, and happy 2008!