Niall's virtual diary archives - December 1999

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Summary

10th December 1999

Returning after many weeks of international travel

13th December 1999

Severe depression kicks in

22nd December 1999

Update from my first time in Ireland for a year

30th December 1999

Niall has fun in Ireland

Friday 10th December 1999: 7.07pm. Wow, I'm soooo sponged ... anyway, a hectic two weeks of travelling are now over. Cannabis Cup 1999 was pretty good with my improved knowledge of the weed coming in extremely handy in making some beautiful choices. I mainly centered around the hashishes and sativas this year but I did manage to get in a gram of the infamous dutch moonshine from the Dampkring (one of the strongest legally available in Holland - and my god is it strong - guaranteed fuckedness every time).

Let's see - Cannabis Cup in a nutshell: Thursday night was spent in a magic cookie enhanced haze on the boat (cookies had shitty soapbar which had strange ketamine type effects). Friday saw me tripping on dried mexican mushrooms plus many fine hashishes like Lebanese, Nepalese temple balls and Indian manali. Saturday saw me tripping on fresh mushrooms called Philosopher's Stones plus getting through a gram of Dutch Moonshine Grade A and some excellent Silver Haze (a sativa with a beautiful taste and high) which caused me to enter vegetable-like status that night where I was so fucked I couldn't move but couldn't sleep either (but experienced nice visuals for the duration plus I let my mind wander and soar). After that I had run out of money, so I survived for the Sunday and Monday as best I could, before returning early Tuesday day during which I got even more stoned visiting various people around Hull.

I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night partly because the anticipation of seeing Ruth again wouldn't let me sleep and besides, the computer was acting up and so it was a useful item to distract myself upon. Hence whilst waiting for the flight in the departure lounge I unfortunately passed out but luckily heard my name being tannoyed and hence made it with minutes to spare.

And well, I was back in Madrid with Ruth for the first time in six months. She had arranged a hotel for the first two nights which was a pleasant surprise and so we were together for the first time in three and a half years on Thursday night. The following night though me and her were far too wrecked and so just slept.

Saturday night we went out with her friends and got wrecked on alcohol, an evil thing. I woke up Sunday morning in a substantial amount of hangover pain and didn't really recover until Monday, our last day together, which also went pretty quickly. I boarded the plane back to England on Tuesday, and have ever since spent as much time as bollocksed as I can so I don't get to think about her not being near to me. Hence now it's Friday and as I'm out of money, I guess I must face the painful truth again once more: she isn't here.

I feel lonely again. I always feel lonely and it's part of why I take the drugs to make it go away but having been with her again and got so used to it so quickly because it's so good, I now especially feel the loss. During the last two days I have consumed a reasonable amount of drugs (8.5 pills plus a quarter of soap plus a teenth of skunk) and have been pretty blotto and even now the comedown is pleasant enough that I don't have to think about it if I don't want to. But when I do think about her as I have to to write this, I feel like crying.

Her, for her part, seems to be in a similar situation. A part of her wants me out of her life so she never has to endure the pain of me leaving her again (she hates feeling dependent on anyone or anything) and for a while I was worried she wouldn't want me to come again. But it would seem from recent emails that it's all just about holding together.

It leaves me feeling very strange. A part of me thinks of jacking everything in right now and fucking off to Madrid for the foreseeable future. The more sane part of me realises that as nice as it sounds, it wouldn't be a good idea long-term especially as we're not yet ready to be together (I'm especially not ready yet). Hence, I'm going to have to grin and bear it for now, like it or not.

I must do another six months or so of university to get my degree, this leaves me free in mid-June probably to get a job and pay off debts until early September when I'll need to be back for resits. Now I could learn Spanish after this Christmas and hence journey to Spain to work for the summer or I could do the normal thing with the intention of hitting Spain just prior to Christmas 2000 to stay there indefinately.

Phew! I'm finding it really hard to concentrate - my mind keeps wandering off and dreaming of me and Ruth being together. Damn those Ecstasy comedowns ... at least it's pretty pleasant. I'll be off now, I might finish the entry later, depends on whether I smoke myself into an oblivion I guess. Anyway, if you're reading Ruth, then I miss you very much. Hope you're well.

Okay, I'm off to smoke a medicinal joint, I may be back later. Until then, all be happy!

Monday 13th December 1999: 6.14am. I believe I'm now officially depressed. Since Friday I've done little other than lie in bed sleeping and if not asleep then lounging around in my room doing very little indeed. I smell terrible, although the skunky smell masks it somewhat I hope. And my facial hair is getting really far too long - it's really itchy.

I suppose the events of the last three weeks have had their effect. The society is no more and with it went much of my reason to get out of bed early-ish. I also miss Ruth desperately - I feel so alone again. And while I initially sauntered away some days by taking pills, that doesn't appeal anymore - now I just don't want to do anything at all.

Next Saturday we break for Christmas for three weeks during which I will be at home in Ireland for the first time in exactly a year. I look forward to seeing my family, but I certainly don't look forward to three weeks of mostly boredom. It always gets me though how quickly it ends up going and hey presto, I'm back at uni.

... for my last six months ...

My last six months of student life. After this, it's all over. I'm officially in adult-land.

I feel like I'm there already. When I wake up in the morning, I think "what shall I do today?". Go see some friends and get fucked? More than likely. Do some work on my final project? Should do, but can never bring up the energy - it's easier to sap my life away in wantless abandon.

But I can't keep doing this. I have exams in just over three weeks that if I don't pass, I have a problem. I'll still be in uni, but back for yet more repeats in September 2000. Isn't that what I wanted anyway - extend my student life for another few months? Isn't this student life what I want?

I used to. I used to very much last year. But these last few months haven't been good enough to hold my attention. I need something more. It isn't a job though, so what is it?

Love?

What a nasty thought. Am I now ready to sacrifice a lifestyle most lads would envy for a chance of civility, quiet and order?

Well, maybe not quite. I've spent the last few days dreaming of a life with Ruth in Spain with some sufficient job and some cannabis plants growing in freezers in a back room. Probably I'd get involved in the legalisation movement there too, I still feel strongly enough. I'm not quite beaten back enough yet.

I know though that neither I nor she is ready for this yet. I can't speak Spanish well enough for one thing and I still like this lifestyle, it's just it's lost a lot of its lustre for me recently. And also, in the back of my mind, I know these months are always the most boring. It's from about March onwards when things get a little ... crazy.

Okay, I'm off back to watch South Park episodes. Thank god for my 10Mb connection - a 40Mb file downloads in only minutes :)

Until next time, be happy. Hopefully I'll be less depressed too!

Wednesday 22nd December 1999: 1.11pm. Well, I'm back home in Ireland once more for the Christmas break and of course, the Millennium celebrations. As much of them as I'll see here in Cork, Ireland of course.

The end of term in England was pretty routine, a few interesting house-parties but not much out of the ordinary. Being back at home is weird as I don't have a computer made during the last ten years anymore - the newest is an ancient 8Mhz Arm2 Acorn and it isn't quite working right now :). Actually, scratch weird - try boring instead. There really isn't anything to do here and I hate my loss of independence. An annual thing it would seem.

Umm, I think that's it. Nowt else to say really, and I'm typing on an iMac in an internet cafe so hence I'm not entirely inclined to type much (fucking bloody awful keyboards these things have - and I hate the mouse too!). Okay, I'm off, probably talk to you again before the new year. Until then, be happy, and have a happy christmas!

Thursday 30th December 1999: 4.53pm. Ho hum, Christmas is gone! It turned out to be kinda pretty weird actually. I was busy treating this holiday period as a proper holiday - y'know, like lying in bed all day and eating loads of chocolate and mucking around with various things I shouldn't like the attic or the fire or the TV - you know, generally pottering around and doing absolutely nothing for a change ie; no parties, no getting fucked and no abusing myself. Very restful, peaceful stuff. And it was all going pretty well (except for the days spent in my father's work working on the bastard final year project :( ) until Christmas Day came along, and after eating the traditional Christmas turkey I wandered down to a friend's house for the traditional "get stoned and drunk with the lads on christmas day" event. All went well to begin with, but suddenly a shock to the system was felt when we adjourned to a different house for the first time in nearly a decade. Wow, major changes are afoot ...

Anyway, we ended up in the house of another childhood friend's and there we got nicely stoned as usual. But then various people decided they wanted to go and shag their girlfriend's, forcing our eviction to a house whose owner nor occupants I did not know. And there, surprisingly not, we indulged in some nice hardcore class A drug abuse :)

Of course, dear Niall here was a veteran of many such campaigns, and hence it was like a duck taking to water. But very surreal as it was with comrades mostly unknown in a place far from usual and even weirder, there were people there I had not seen since my second level of education some four years ago. And hence went Christmas night ...

Then a few nights after I was visiting some locally living friends when I came across said friend plus love of life plus very drunk mother (well, they were all pretty drunk). I sit down with beer, and was quite happily in my own world when said friend decides what a good idea it would be if we all smoked a joint. Amazingly, said friend's mother agreed ...

Said friend then took my most powerful skunk (a fairly strong indica), and packed a joint with it and promptly we all smoked it. I did warn all present that such a joint would knock you for six even when without alcohol, but no one listened ...

Anyway, I was pretty drunk but I just about held it together. Said friend's love of life couldn't take it almost straight away and went to lie down (the sensible thing). Said friend's mother completely lost all track of reality and span out really badly, and we had to carry her down to her bedroom which contained her unknowing and quite likely to be extremely unhappy husband. I was worried greatly about potential violence from aforementioned unhappy husband and hence bade a hasty retreat to safety - with difficulty - and said friend apparently puked his guts out. Very enamouring to his love of life, I'm sure.

So there we go, the two main events of interest during the last week. Not bad, actually. Almost to the tune of typical weekly events in England. Anyway, as you all probably know by now, we have two days to the start of a new millennium and probably one of the greatest parties the world will see for the next twenty years (until the parties after the next big war anyway at least). I have as yet no idea what I will be doing, but it probably won't be anything particularly eventful. Anyway, I'm sure you'll hear about it here assuming the end of days does not come upon us ...

Right so then, I think that's about that. All that remains is for me to wish all you readers out there in webland ...

HAPPY NEW MILLENNIUM!

I look forward to seeing you all again next year. Have a good one, and of course, don't forget to be happy (despite the comedown ;) )!

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