Welcome to Niall's theories

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NOTE: This is from July 1998, so I don't agree with most if it anymore. My current model escapes description

Niall's theory of relationships (in progress)

Relationships are complicated things. As you will know if you have read these pages for a while, I feel I've pretty much solved life in as much as it is currently - things such as socialising, career, friendships, current status, mental stability - all these are about as good as they could be.

However, there is a dark cloud on the edge of this universe. That of course, being WOMEN and their effects on my life, good and bad (see the relevent article here)

Now, don't get me wrong - I have absolutely no problems with women as far as them being friends or socialising with them or them going out with others. Y'see, the only problems I have is when I'm going out with them ... and during the many years of hurt, pain and sorrow caused by these failed relationships, I have learnt a number of things which I want to write down here in the hope it will be of use to someone else.

Now in doing this, I skip a lot - this is hardly the definitive guide to relationships. For example, I have no problems in pulling women or chatting them up. I have no problems being romantic or being in touch with my sensitive side or whatever. Indeed, in the vast majority of areas concerning relationships, they've all been solved - except the actual practical doing of a relationship - this bit I can't seem to do.

  1. Don't go after women/men you can't get
    As much as we might not like to think it, we cannot all expect to have models as kindred souls. The reason why you never pull those gorgeous women in the club is because 99% of women pulled from there want one thing and one thing only - and they can sense you want more, much the same as when some slapper approaches you looking for a shafting you often back out (whether you realise you do it or not - but interestingly, a lot more men do it than you'd think - and it isn't just because they're ugly or anything).

    Now, personally, I've found the best and most profitable place to meet good women is through socialising. I have a set of social circles at uni with various different "themes" to them eg; one are heavy smokers, another are heavy drinkers, another are into student politics etc. - and through visiting each fairly regularly and being active in a number of student issues (more here about that) you get to meet a lot of women. Then usually through my natural Irish charm (!) many of them become interested :) - however, the point is you must fix supply first and you'll find chatting up skills come with practice. I for example don't actually chat women up anymore - I just talk to them and it seems to happen magically. Or perhaps it's just I don't notice myself doing it anymore? I don't know - doesn't really matter I don't think ...

  2. Be ready for a relationship
    There's no point entering into a relationship if your head's all fucked up. Believe me on this. You have to sort out every little problem in your life, or at least be reasonably on top of them. You could almost say you've got your karma in perfect balance. BTW, having no problems means not having any drug addictions, being confident within yourself, not being socially lonely etc. You know what I mean. If you're well balanced, and you really really are (rather than just thinking you are) then you're ready.

    Forgetting this point may lead to you to having psychological problems which will destabilise the relationship and cause both you and your partner much head-scratching. For example, after I slept with Siorca when I was going out with Kathryn (see here for more about that), and me and Kathryn broke up, I became suicidal through the inability to separate my perception of Kathryn from the actual Kathryn, hence leading me into an unending cycle of paradoxes. Now, after the whole Laura thing (I don't think I've written this down yet actually, but essentially the same thing happen but to a far greater degree when I was about sixteen), by rights I should have been well aware of my tendency to do this misperception, and should have targeted it at once. But of course things such as the fear of loneliness get in the way and make things much more difficult, so that's why I say "Be ready for a relationship" unlike I was with Kathryn (and look what happened there ultimately - see here for more details).

  3. Choose the right partner
    There's nothing worse that not being ready for a relationship yourself than choosing the wrong partner in the first place. I made this mistake with Kathryn (but admittedly to the least degree ever yet, so I am getting better), but I'm one of the best people in this regard when compared to people I know.

    But you see, it's hammered into us nowadays. We all lust after the Cindy Crawford's, the Brad Pitt's et al - we are told we should find some model and because they're beautiful, they'll be a wonderful partner too.

    Well in case you hadn't realised it, this is complete bollocks, and too few people actually stop and think why they are attracted to people. The reality actually is that the more beautiful they are, often the more fucked up they are. Just examine celebrity marriages to prove this. What you need to do is follow Niall's guide to choosing the right partner (coming soon), which of course utilises Niall's theory of women along with other theories.

    If you choose the right partner, you can expect your relationship to go at least ten times more smoothly than the average relationship. Why is this? Well ...

  4. Most relationships are complete frauds
    Do you ever feel envious watching all these loving couples walking around town looking dewy-eyed? Well, don't bother - most relationships are contain at best an affection; certainly not love. Indeed a number of relationships exist for convenience more than anything.

    Now I don't criticise these people - it's an excellent way of giving yourself a mission in life, someone to depend on, someone to be physically close to and of course the regular sex is also handy. However, a lot of people wander around going "Oh why can't I get a decent boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever?" and what they don't realise is that the same people they envy often are also angry and frustrated because they think that there's all these people everywhere in a "proper" loving relationship and they're not.

    The reality is that most people live up to what they think they should look like and go around looking just like that. Privately, psychologically, they may be no better off than the denzians of singles - it's just a matter of show.

    Anyway, what I'm getting to is expectations. Everyone seems to have this habit of expection that this wonderful boy or girl they've fancied forever is going to be bloody wonderful and there's no two ways about it. This is a mistake. If you have this high a level of expection, you'll surely be disappointed and the effects of this disappointment will kill any possibility of a decent relationship you had in the first place.

  5. Be honest
    More to come here, but I've mentioned this before - the entry of the 5th of June.


Contact the webmaster: Niall Douglas @ webmaster2<at symbol>nedprod.com (Last updated: 18 July 2012)