||NOTE: This is from July 1998, so
I don't agree with most if it anymore. My current model escapes description
Niall's theory of relationships (in progress)
Relationships are complicated things. As you will know if you have read
these pages for a while, I feel I've pretty much solved life in as much as it is currently
- things such as socialising, career, friendships, current status, mental stability - all
these are about as good as they could be.
However, there is a dark cloud on the edge of this universe. That of
course, being WOMEN and their effects on my life,
good and bad (see the relevent article
Now, don't get me wrong - I have absolutely no problems with women as far
as them being friends or socialising with them or them going out with others. Y'see, the
only problems I have is when I'm going out with them ... and during the many years of
hurt, pain and sorrow caused by these failed relationships, I have learnt a number of
things which I want to write down here in the hope it will be of use to someone else.
Now in doing this, I skip a lot - this is hardly the definitive guide to
relationships. For example, I have no problems in pulling women or chatting them up. I
have no problems being romantic or being in touch with my sensitive side or whatever.
Indeed, in the vast majority of areas concerning relationships, they've all been solved -
except the actual practical doing of a relationship - this bit I can't seem to do.
Don't go after women/men you can't get
As much as we might not like to think it, we cannot all expect to have models as
kindred souls. The reason why you never pull those gorgeous women in the club is because
99% of women pulled from there want one thing and one thing only - and they can sense you
want more, much the same as when some slapper approaches you looking for a shafting you
often back out (whether you realise you do it or not - but interestingly, a lot more men
do it than you'd think - and it isn't just because they're ugly or anything).
Now, personally, I've found the best and most profitable place to meet good women is
through socialising. I have a set of social circles at uni with various different
"themes" to them eg; one are heavy smokers, another are heavy drinkers, another
are into student politics etc. - and through visiting each fairly regularly and being
active in a number of student issues (more here about that) you get to meet a lot of
women. Then usually through my natural Irish charm (!) many of them become interested :) -
however, the point is you must fix supply first and you'll find chatting up skills come
with practice. I for example don't actually chat women up anymore - I just talk to them
and it seems to happen magically. Or perhaps it's just I don't notice myself doing it
anymore? I don't know - doesn't really matter I don't think ...
Be ready for a relationship
There's no point entering into a relationship if your head's all fucked up. Believe me on
this. You have to sort out every little problem in your life, or at least be reasonably on
top of them. You could almost say you've got your karma in perfect balance. BTW, having no
problems means not having any drug addictions, being confident within yourself, not being
socially lonely etc. You know what I mean. If you're well balanced, and you really really
are (rather than just thinking you are) then you're ready.
Forgetting this point may lead to you to having psychological problems which will
destabilise the relationship and cause both you and your partner much head-scratching. For
example, after I slept with Siorca when I was going out with Kathryn (see here for more
about that), and me and Kathryn broke up, I became suicidal through the inability to
separate my perception of Kathryn from the actual Kathryn, hence leading me into an
unending cycle of paradoxes. Now, after the whole Laura thing (I don't think I've written
this down yet actually, but essentially the same thing happen but to a far greater degree
when I was about sixteen), by rights I should have been well aware of my tendency to do
this misperception, and should have targeted it at once. But of course things such as the
fear of loneliness get in the way and make things much more difficult, so that's why I say
"Be ready for a relationship" unlike I was with Kathryn (and look what happened
there ultimately - see here for more
Choose the right partner
There's nothing worse that not being ready for a relationship yourself than
choosing the wrong partner in the first place. I made this mistake with Kathryn (but
admittedly to the least degree ever yet, so I am getting better), but I'm one of
the best people in this regard when compared to people I know.
But you see, it's hammered into us nowadays. We all lust after the Cindy Crawford's, the
Brad Pitt's et al - we are told we should find some model and because they're beautiful,
they'll be a wonderful partner too.
Well in case you hadn't realised it, this is complete bollocks, and too few people
actually stop and think why they are attracted to people. The reality actually is that the
more beautiful they are, often the more fucked up they are. Just examine celebrity
marriages to prove this. What you need to do is follow Niall's guide to choosing the
right partner (coming soon), which of course utilises Niall's theory of women along
with other theories.
If you choose the right partner, you can expect your relationship to go at least ten times
more smoothly than the average relationship. Why is this? Well ...
Most relationships are complete frauds
Do you ever feel envious watching all these loving couples walking around town
looking dewy-eyed? Well, don't bother - most relationships are contain at best an
affection; certainly not love. Indeed a number of relationships exist for convenience more
Now I don't criticise these people - it's an excellent way of giving yourself a mission in
life, someone to depend on, someone to be physically close to and of course the regular
sex is also handy. However, a lot of people wander around going "Oh why can't I get a
decent boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever?" and what they don't realise is that the same
people they envy often are also angry and frustrated because they think that there's all
these people everywhere in a "proper" loving relationship and they're not.
The reality is that most people live up to what they think they should look like and go
around looking just like that. Privately, psychologically, they may be no better off than
the denzians of singles - it's just a matter of show.
Anyway, what I'm getting to is expectations. Everyone seems to have this habit of
expection that this wonderful boy or girl they've fancied forever is going to be bloody
wonderful and there's no two ways about it. This is a mistake. If you have this high a
level of expection, you'll surely be disappointed and the effects of this disappointment
will kill any possibility of a decent relationship you had in the first place.
More to come here, but I've mentioned this before - the entry of the 5th of June.